Sonicle Hedgeman's Magical Adventure
by Brynlover5000
Summary: A story of how one Hedgehog comes of age, and kills many innocent people to get there. Contains original characters, death, stupidity, hatred of one or many minorities, violence, rape(?), poor attempts at comedy, profanity, Kanye West, attempts at theological discourse, genocide, delusions of grandeur and stupidity. Trigger warning for insects.
1. Chapter 1

Sonicle Hedgeman's Magical Adventure:  
By Fluff, age 5

One day in the winter, Sonic was sleeping because he is a hedgehog and that is what hedgehogs do. However, he is so fast that in his sleep he made the world spin faster so it would be summer again. Millions perished in the resulting tsunamis including Tails. These global catastrophes lead to the polar ice cap breaking up and slamming into northern continents and islands, killing thousands more and dooming the polar bear. Several species of whale and large fish also went extinct, ridding the world of sharks once and for all. However this did not fix the cold so Sonic put on a scarf. All furries instantly gain immense insulation from scarves because a coat would cover up boobies. Sonic went outside and met with his friends Fink, Jimple, Knuckles and Tails. Fink was a rat who had super-disease powers and so was wearing a suit of power armour to prevent his friends from dying from Rat AIDS. Nobody knows what the fuck Jimple is because Sonic Team's grasp on biology is looser than a nice floaty dress or an elephant's vagina.

"Hello Sanic" said Jimple. "We are the only ones in Emerald Glaze Meadow Field Zone who survived the tidal holocaust."

"I bet Eggman is responsible for this!" said Knuckles, jumping to conclusions like an Olympic athlete.

"Yeah, I died!" said Tails. "But Sega brought me back to appeal to the gay furry pedophile demographic!" Everyone was silent for a second because they all had minor strokes caused by Tails' voice.

"THE FLOODS HAVE DESTROYED ALL OF MY PLAGUE-BEARING CHILDREN,"  
exclaimed Fink through his power armour. "NURGLE WILL NOT BE SATED WITH ANYTHING BESIDES EGGMAN'S PUS-RIDDEN CORPSE."

Sonic, already well-established as a moron, was also amoral and happily complicit to an innocentish man; therefore he shouted "Let's ride Eggman's ass like a rollercoaster until he begs to get off! BUT HE CANNOT GET OFF; THE RIDE NEVER ENDS."

On that bizarrely out-of-character moment, the four friends prepared a hamper full of jam sandwiches for the journey ahead, and set off to find the Eggman.


	2. Chapter 2

Eggman was sitting in his Egg-Abode having tea with Kanye West. Ironically, Mr. West was only partaking in Robotnik'scompany to secure a new record deal, making him a golddigga.

"See, Kanye?" said Eggman, "it appears you've fallen right into my trap. If God gave man dominion over over all thing then that includes nature - my mining proposition would have been accepted by a Pharoah but why not NASA? Surely they cannot mean to speak for all mankind when, as you postulate, they forbid me utilising the innate power of Planet Wisp's inhabitants for industrial purposes? Surely horses have been treated the same? That thick cheese sauce you had on the venison; that was taken from a strapped up cow!"

"But Eggman!" pleaded Kanye, "It goes against God to use an intelligent being as slave labour!" His record deal was indeed secured, and Kanye knew the bulbous prick loved an argument anyway.

"Oh for... Read the Bible, Mr. West. You will plenty of God-sanctioned slavery there!" retorted Manegg. "Anyway, the Wisps are no more intelligent than dogs. Seriously, we've run tests. Whole lines of them running into electrified fences over and over again. Quite amusing."

Kanye swallowed his disgust, and brought out his ace. "Yeah? Well, what about their language?" started Kanye, "Surely you can't ignore scientific evidence of codeifi-"

Just then a bolter round pulverised the front of Kanye West's skull before exploding, sending slivers of Kanye Face to all four cardinal directions.

"Oh for Christ's sake; now it'll have to be a posthumous memorial album. It worked for Biggie Smalls," pondered Robotnik, apathetic to the death of his insolent companion.

He did not even bother to turn around. Despite questions of how a mentally challenged hedgehog made it into space, never mind how he completed the absurdly complex docking maneuver with his Orbital Egg-abode, he knew it was Sonic.

"Hey Lardbutt Whiskerton!" shouted Sonic, "We've come to stop your evil plans!"

"Yes, I suppose another 808s & Heartbreak would have been evil."

"Can it, Buttbrain!" screamed Jimple. His entire family of things was destroyed in the flood and so he was righteously pissed.

"Yes, Robuttnik; save your voice for later when you're begging for mercy!" threatened Knuckles.

"Oh my! Knuckles!" gasped Eggman in affected surprise. "I was hoping to talk to you about the fact that Jimple here took the Master Emerald..."

The resulting melee was catastrophic. Sonic was zipping everywhere like a fat man trying to do his flies up generally being cretinous, while Fink attempted to quell the powers of Tzeentch with his booming voice. The scuffle became almost cartoonish, and rolled conveniently into an airlock. Eggman casually strolled over to the release mechanism, ignoring the hail of tainted bolter rounds from Fink's mighty weapon due to his incredible amount of plot armour. With a trademark chuckle he ejected the fucktards into the vacuum of space, and watched as they slowly drifted towards Mobius. They would surely survive because Sonic is seriously cheap, but Eggman simply looked forward to another half-day of peace. Perhaps he could finalise that record deal?


	3. Chapter 3

Sonic was bored. He had tried going fast in orbit but he couldn't propel himself towards Eggman's ships. He tried getting down faster but he was similarly flummoxed there. He tried shouting towards Jimples but due to the whole vacuum nonsense Jimples heard nothing. He did, however notice Knuckles still gnawing at Jimples' legs. No amount of sign language with his mandibles or sizable forelegs could prevent the red echidna from removing his rear leg. Sonic laughed at this development because he's a heartless bastard. Despite his illegitimacy in cardiological matters, his belief that they would fall faster was partially correct, and he watched jealously as they fell further and further behind him and Tails.

Tails was dead - despite a detailed knowledge of orbital mechanics and his expeditious construction of an EVA pack, he could not prevent himself from being shredded by orbital debris. Unfortunately, the overlap between homosexuals, pedophiles and necrophiliac was too miniscule to justify another resurrection but this was no matter. Sonic knew that through time reset/travel bullshit Tails would be waiting to induce more aneurysms when they returned. Never-the-less, Sonic was still troubled by the death of his young buddy - that EVA would have been incredibly helpful.

Yet, his miniscule rodent mind took to other worries - surely through this catastrophic series of events he would acquire another love interest. Sonic was incapable of love amongst many other things involving arithmetic, lactose digestion and swimming when doing so would enable him to skip large sections of a stage, but undoubtably a doe-eyed defenseless maiden would take to him because the sheer animal magnetism of a wise-cracking gangly bipedal hedgehog is irresistable to some. Due to his God-given lack of genitalia, they never stayed around for long - Sonic liked to cut it fast and loose. Suddenly, a bright light came over the horizon, bringing with it new hope and a certain longing for chilli dogs.

Somewhat predictably, there was a spaceship attached to that light. Surprisingly, that spaceship was also attached to a meteor of sorts - very pretty, covered in grass and flowers, yet strangely possessed bookshelves and a four poster bed. The whole conglomerate of meteor and ship appeared to be an etheric castle with a central tower of iridescent metal honed to a fine point. Sonic then felt a gentle tug on his limbs that signalled the pull of a tractor beam. His arms were hideously dislocated amplifying his already frightening appearance. He was brought into the centre of the spaceship and floated face to face with a beautiful, pale-faced woman.

"Hello Sonic - I am Rosalina, Queen of the Lumas and god of the cosmos. I have ventured through the very heart of a black hole and have seen all of time. Hence, I am here to rescue you," said the gorgeous woman in a celestial voice. Her eyes were so deep and alive it was as if Sonic was staring into the core of Mobius itself. "By the way, Tails comes back in two chapters and Knuckles and Jimples have unpleasant sex,"

Sonic was stunned by this veritable goddess. His jaw dropped open like a shittily-made mailbox, and he spluttered; "Why did you save me?"

"Because reading another five chapters of you stranded in a vacuum would have been very boring," replied Rosa Parks. "Also, I foresaw you stopping Eggman with my help. Seing all of time has destroyed any illusion of free will I once had - through an infinity of probabilities I will return to my dictated path, and that led me to you."

Sonic was unmoved by the incredible pathos of a character bound by cosmic destiny to act in a certain manner and ignored the potential discussion of fatalism and its implications for the individual, and instead continued gawking at the one gorgeous creature with the dexterity required to produce a proper chilli dog within his immediate physical and temporal vicinity.

Rosalina let out a sigh that could only be summoned by a floating celestial being who was being tortured by existing. "I have foreseen your morony and have already created your chilli dog. Let's just - let's just get to Planet Wisp so that I can provide the previously provided exposition on the handily unseen journey. By the way, Jimples and Knuckles are about to make a comedic entrance."

True to her word, two anthropomorphic objects slammed into the body of the ship. "Fuck you, Jangles, where the fuck is the Master Emerald!?" screamed Knuckles, spraying spit everywhere. He was splattered with decompressed Jimple Juice when they entered the ship's artificial gravity.

"I don't have it you crimson cretin!" yelled Jimples. "And why in the ever-loving fuck did you rip off all of my legs? I have bled out all of my blood and my continued survival is a mystery to all those with a basic understanding of biology!" In fact, the survival of an apparently human-sized insect was already biologically dubious, but discussion of Jimple's viability as a creature would be futile with Sonic Team, who would draw a blank with the term "spiracle."

Rosalina was finished with this nonsense; with a flourish she sent the marvellous ship into FTL making the perception of anything impossible. She invisibly relaxed, waiting impatiently for the day she'd try to protect Kratos from arguing Norse gods and be brutally murdered by her charge instead. A thousand years, however, is a very long time.


End file.
